Everyone is going on or coming back from vacation this time of year. One of our clients just came back from a cruise and said to me, “I have one simple objective in my first week back. I am relaxed now. My perspective is great. I am working to keep this feeling for one extra week.” Once he does that, he plans to extend that feeling week by week right up until the next vacation. With focus he can do it. My challenge to you is to do the same. Next vacation extend that “vacation feeling” for one more week. And then do it again.
What is “overfunctioning”? I looked it up and came up with nothing in the dictionary. It is not an official word. Even though it is not a word, is a word I use a lot.
So here is my definition of “overfunctioning”. It means doing more for another person than they actually need. It means doing so much that the other person really doesn’t have to do anything. If someone asks you for help and you do more than help, you actually do that work then you are overfunctioning.
What is wrong with this? In the short run and in certain situations it isn’t too harmful. Let’s face it, overfunctioners make great employees. They are thorough, reliable, and conscientious. The work of an overfunctioner is usually impeccable.
In the long run, there is a lot wrong with overfunctioning. Eventually the overfunctioner gets tired and frustrated and feels under appreciated. By their very nature, overfunctioners get very little recognition for their toil. Even more importantly overfunctioners create underfunctioners. Underfunctioners are people who learn to do less. Why would an underfunctioner do more when they can rely on the overfunctioner to do it for them? Underfunctioners regress and become less effective and less engaged. They lose their skills. Everyone loses.
Several years ago I worked with a client who set very high standards for his people. Anyone who didn’t meet his standards heard from him. If his staff sent out work that was below his expectations, he would bring them into his office and itemize all that was wrong with their work. People would float into his office with a question and if the question wasn’t well thought out, he would interrupt and say, “You clearly haven’t done your homework. Come back and ask me again when you have.” If people took too long to explain their position he would lean back in his chair, cross his arms and sigh loudly. Needless to say, some people were frightened of him. Many of you may know someone like this and might wonder where this comes from. Here’s what I learned about him and about many others just like him.
He was so hard on others because he was very hard on himself. You can’t always see this but trust me – it is often the case. If this client made a mistake, he would agonize about it for days. Thinking things like, “How could I be so stupid to as missed that? Why wasn’t I better prepared? Why aren’t I more detailed?” His staff would likely have been quite surprised to know that.
In our coaching relationship, I helped him to be nicer to himself. He learned to be more comfortable with his own imperfection and he learned to stop beating himself up. Then the miracle happened, he allowed everyone some imperfection and he started to be nicer to his team. People were no longer afraid.
Many of you know that I have been a supporter of Dress for Success (DfS) Toronto and recently been appointed Chair of the board. DfS Toronto will be joining a world-wide celebration as part of International Women’s Day (IWD).
Celebrated annually on March 8th and globally recognized as a day of celebration of women’s achievements politically, economically and socially, it will be a day to raise visibility and raise funds for disadvantaged women – a powerful new way to put the spotlight on the economic independence of low income women. The first International Women’s Day event was in 1911 and 2011 marks the Global Centenary Year.
Please help us celebrate by matching the 100th Anniversary of International Women’s day with a $100 gift. Your donation will enable a woman to make the transition to empowerment and professional success. Here is just one example of how your gift can make a difference:
”I just got a job with St. Joseph’s (hospital) as a Medical Laboratory Technologist and I’d like to thank Dress for Success Toronto for providing me with nice attire for the interview. I appreciate all your help in choosing me a dress that would look professional on me.”
- Fatima, Feb. 7, 2011
A gift to support Dress for Success Toronto in honour of the Centenary Celebrations of IWD is an investment in women, equality and your community. I will be making my own donation. Please join me by making yours. Gifts of any amount are gratefully accepted! Donations can be made on-line at:
As people start to work with me, one of the questions I get asked is, “Do I have to lie on a couch?” For most people this is tongue in cheek but for some, it is a question about how coaching really works. Here’s what to expect from a good coach:
You start with your objectives. You decide what you want to accomplish by working with the coach and most coaching conversations will be about progress against those objectives.
You and the coach collect some data. Coaches are better when they have some data beyond your own impressions. Data usually includes personality tests (like Myers Briggs), and other people’s impression of how you are doing (particularly your boss’ but also the opinions of others around you who are interested in your development).
Coaching conversations need to happen regularly (usually about every two weeks). Long lags between conversations tends to cause conversations to wander into theory and away from practicality.
Coaches are more like sports coaches than psychiatrists or psychologists. A coach is trained to help you with becoming better at what you do and not necessarily at “getting deeply into your head” (unless the coaches are also trained as psychologists or psychiatrists).
Coaching conversations are mostly practical and tactical. You will be doing most of the talking. The coach will be questioning and listening. Each coaching conversation focuses on important things that just happened and important things that are about to happen. You and the coach examine these things together, pull out the lessons and plan for the next interaction or event.
Coaching relationships have an end. At the end, you and the coach will discuss both how well you met your coaching objectives and how well the coaching experience suited your needs. You agree on a go forward plan that may or may not include the coach.
If you find your coaching conversations are not effective, you may need another coach or be better served by a psychiatrist or psychologist. Most importantly, your time is valuable, find someone who really helps you.
Leadership communications -- blah, blah, blah! That's how most people experience most leadership communications. Most are long winded email updates written by someone other than the leader or quarterly presentations on fancy Powerpoint slides (also written by someone other than the leader).
The subject matter of these communications is usually the organization's strategy. The strategy often comes off as sounding like platitudes. People feel preached at, bored or leave wondering what their role is. So how can you be different?
First, leadership is personal. People want to know what you really believe in and they want to hear that in your own words. All leadership communications are an opportunity to engage people in your personal vision. So, write it yourself. Write your own speeches. Write your own email updates. Use your communications people to guide you but don't let them write for you.
Second, communicate often.More often than you think you should. People aren't motivated by 4 communications a year. To motivate people you need to build relationships. To build relationships, you need to invest time. So plan to communicate every couple of weeks, using many different formats (emails, blogs, meetings, hallway chats). I find blogs to be one of the most effective tools for this. Blogs are short. Blogs are personal. Blogs are frequent. More leaders should blog.
Third, be real and be interactive (another reason blogs work). Share both your successes and your challenges. Ask questions of your people. Every leader has something that is keeping them up at night. Ask about that thing that keeps you up at night. Get your people's opinion and help them see the complexity of the issue. Have a real dialogue with your people.
Finally, sit at their desk. Not literally but figuratively. See yourself sitting at the desk of one of the people you are talking to. Ask yourself, "What do I need this person to do differently tomorrow? What do they care most about each and every day?' If you don't know the answers, ask. Make sure every communication closes with the answer to one of these two questions.
I’ve finished up more than one coaching meeting with the thought, “This client may not need me. He already knows what to do.” Sometimes I’ve agonized over how I can add more value for those clients who just seem to have spectacular self-awareness and the ability to make great decisions. I make it a point to ask my clients whether they are getting what they need from me, yet I somehow doubted it when these seemingly totally “together” clients answered yes.
One day, one client brought all my agonizing to a halt when she said, “You know what, you’re a great mirror for me.” I was reminded that every client is different. Every client has different needs, and I can add value in different ways for different clients. There are really talented leaders out there who don’t need me to give advice. Rather, what they appreciate about their coaching sessions is the opportunity to talk things though confidentially, have me listen and challenge them. Sometimes the coach can be a sounding board. Sometimes devil’s advocate. Sometimes the trusted adviser.
Sometimes a mirror.
If you have a knowledgeable client, remember: they haven’t hired you because you are smarter than they are or because you know more about the subject matter that you are consulting on. They have hired you to help them. Don’t worry about yourself and what value you are bringing. Focus on them and give them what they need even if it feels uncomfortable.
Feel like you’re back in your elementary schoolyard, being pushed and taunted by the school bully? But really, you’re in your office and the person making your work life miserable is a co-worker or boss. That person appears to be advancing his or her position at your expense. Perhaps they engage in behavior that is unnecessarily rude, aggressive and even debilitating to you. Some of these behaviors might be: screaming at you in front of people; repeatedly ignoring or rudely dismissing your ideas; badmouthing you to others; deliberately ignoring you or putting you out of the loop; being consistently judgmental, indiscreet and untimely; or blaming you for issues and problems.
Just like that school-yard bully, an office bully is someone who offloads their anger and fear on a selected victim in an attempt to maintain or gain control and push forward their self-interest. And many people find that the harder they work, or the more they display a strong sense of ethics and try to “do the right thing”, the more they are targeted by the bully.
Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for a workplace bully to be rewarded for aggressive behavior. Some people might call him/her the person who tells-it-like-it-is, or the person who cuts to the heart of the matter, and this praise makes it harder for you to stand up to the bully or even do something about the situation. But you should do something…here are a few tips:
Park your emotion. This is not about you. It is about the other person. The more you let that person get to you, the more power they will have over you. This is the most difficult and most important tip. Take a deep breath and visualize pushing the emotion you are feeling out of your body.
Don’t react. If you have truly parked your emotion, you should be able to ignore the bad behavior. Like your mother always told you, “If you don’t react, they will get bored and go and bully someone else.”
Avoid confrontation where possible. When you can, work over email or voicemail with this person. If you don’t need them in a meeting, don’t invite them. For heaven’s sake, don’t go to lunch with them!
Bring a buddy. It is tougher to gang up on two people. If the bully still behaves badly, you will have a witness.
Stand up for yourself. You’ll notice that we put this last. We think it is better to diffuse a bully than to fight with one. If you are forced to defend yourself:
Be factual. Keep your message simple. “I completed the project on time and on budget.”
Don’t justify your position. It reduces your power and draws you into the argument.
Be prepared to repeat your message. You may have to repeat it several times in order to be heard.
Be prepared to walk away. Keep your interaction with the bully short and focused.
Don’t bully back. Don’t yell or engage in personal attacks. Stay professional.
There are many helpful web resources on how to deal with bullies. Many of these are aimed at school-aged kids, but the advice shared translates well to the workplace. Check out http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/bullies.html for more info on bullying.
The easy answer is to quit, but for most people quitting just isn’t an option
Here’s a quick guide on how to deal with a boss or co-worker who is making your life miserable:
Figure out whether your issue is with the co-worker or whether you real frustration is that you’re unhappy with your job.
If the cause of your unhappiness is indeed your co-worker, assess how important that person is to your daily work. If you interact with him/her regularly and you need him/her to get your job done, then you’ve got an issue to deal with (which we will discuss further below). But if that person is peripheral to your job, then it may be worth sucking it up, keeping communication to a minimum, and going about your daily work.
If you assess that the person is essential to your job, and is unlikely to change, go ahead and look for a new job. Life it too short to stick with an untenable situation. It might feel like you can’t move but short term pain can be better than long term suffering. Long term in a job that makes you unhappy will likely impact your self esteem. If you can, wait until you’ve landed a new position before handing in your resignation!
If you choose to stay, learn to cope:
Learn to argue constructively. Keep it objective. Avoid making it personal by taking the emotion out of a message. For further advice on constructive conflict, check out our last blog.
Avoid email badminton. If it’s a sensitive issue or important conversation, do it in person or voice to voice. It is common for people to choose to conduct more contentious conversations over email in order to avoid uncomfortable face to face interaction with the other party. The problem with this approach is that it can turn into a back-and-forth argument over email that is not resolved or that escalates. Rule of thumb: if you’ve gone back and forth unproductively over email more than once, pick up the phone or pay the co-worker a visit to discuss in person.
Find support. Look for support and recognition from a mentor, coach or co-worker (and avoid bad-mouthing the co-worker.
Build your network. Make sure people know the good work you’re doing. Surround yourself with people who make you feel positive as much as you can.
For more on this topic, check out the book Career Warfare.
Everyone who coaches anyone should read this article. Science now confirms that a positive and forward looking approach to coaching works better than finding flaws.
Everyone is going on or coming back from vacation this time of year. One of our clients just came back from a cruise and said to me, “I have one simple objective in my first week back. I am relaxed now. My perspective is great. I am working to keep this feeling for one extra week.” Once he does that, he plans to extend that feeling week by week right up until the next vacation. With focus he can do it. My challenge to you is to do the same. Next vacation extend that “vacation feeling” for one more week. And then do it again.
I’ve finished up more than one coaching meeting with the thought, “This client may not need me. He already knows what to do.” Sometimes I’ve agonized over how I can add more value for those clients who just seem to have spectacular self-awareness and the ability to make great decisions. I make it a point to ask my clients whether they are getting what they need from me, yet I somehow doubted it when these seemingly totally “together” clients answered yes.