Our son plays hockey. Last week he had a lackluster game. He was tired. He floated around the ice and made no impact. I was ready to provide feedback! My husband, also a hockey player, turned to me and said, " A great coach once told me, "After the game is not the time for feedback.” I suggest you congratulate him and move on."
Today our son had a great game. I'll do the same, congratulate him and move on.
Sometimes if makes sense wait to give feedback and sometimes it's good not to give feedback. More often than not they already know how they did.
We are always preaching feedback everywhere, at work, at home and at school. Sometimes we just need to let them think about it and decide for themselves how they did.
People too often make feedback about the other person. "You need to be a better communicator." "You need to improve your ability to coach your staff."
It much more powerful to make the feedback about you rather than the other person. "I really like to be kept in the loop. My preference is to be updated weekly on this project. Will that work for you?". "People management is really important to me. I would like you to make sure that you complete all of your performance reviews in person and on schedule. Can you commit to that?"
Sound better? Of course it does. It is not that the first examples are wrong they are just not as effective as the second examples above. If you want people to listen, make it about you most of the time.
People often tell me that they hate giving feedback. I ask why. They say, “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.” We discuss it and they of course agree that it is worse to keep someone in the dark about their performance than it is to just tell them.
The discussion turns then to “how” to tell them. I usually say “The less you say, the more they will hear.” We work to craft a very specific message. It usually outlines the behaviors that are a problem and the impact of the behaviors. And that is it! No further embellishment. Keep it short and focused and the person gets the message. If they get the message, they can act on it. Nothing kinder then that.
Give the true reasons for your decisions and the feedback that goes with those decisions. When I say “just be honest”, it makes you think doesn’t it? Are you being honest or do you say things that you hope will preserve feelings?
A couple of clients have recently ended their coaching relationships with me. This is a normal occurrence. It happens regularly. I always ask for feedback at the end of all coaching relationships and did so this time. One client took the time to call me and give me some good detailed feedback—things he liked about the coaching and things he didn’t. I found really helpful and it raised my opinion of him even more.
The other client took the easy route—no real feedback. My feelings aren’t spared. I am left feeling a sense of dissatisfaction and almost unfinished business. “Did I do something wrong or was it just time?”
I’d really like to know.
Some of my most difficult nights have been caused by thinking about tough feedback I need to deliver to someone. I worry about how to say it. I worry about if I am right. I worry about their reaction. I get angry. I don't sleep. You would think that given that I am a coach, feedback would always be easy for me. Sometimes it is easier than other times. So I got thinking this morning (after one of those sleepless nights) why is it sometimes so difficult? Here's what I came up with.
The main reason it is sometimes difficult is that I have not let go of the emotion around it. I am angry that I have not been listened to "again". I am frustrated that the person "should know better" or "care more". I am hurt (yes hurt!) that they don't care more about what I go through each day. As you read this you are saying to yourself "but that is all about you." My answer? Exactly! The more I think about me, the worse I am at delivering feedback.
The second reason is that I haven't delivered enough feedback to thisperson. People who get feedback from me all the time (my assistant, our coaches, our clients) are used it. I'm used to it. We have a pattern of two way feedback built into our relationship. There is no "big bang" conversation. There are no sleepless nights. Each piece of feedback is discussed, examined by both parties and either accepted or rejected. Trust builds and the relationship deepens. When there is no pattern of feedback, delivering feedback becomes more difficult. It is hard to start in the middle of a relationship. Think of this as similar to that acquaintance you keep meeting at your son's hockey game. You don't know their name. If you ask their name now after you have spoken to them 7 times it will be awkward so you don't do it. Feedback is similar, if you establish a pattern it is easy. To start feedback after six months of frustration is difficult for both parties. You are more likely not to start.
After all this reflection, here's my advice to myself (and you if you've had any sleepless nights).
Start two way feedback(from you to them, from them to you) in the first week of a working relationship. Give both positive and constructive feedback and give it often. Create a comfortable rhythm.
Take yourself out of all feedback. Don't personalize it. Offer it as information that you have observed. Be open to other opinions on that information. Be prepared to have your mind changed. The feedback discussion should empower both you and/or the other person to do something differently.
A really smart person once told me, "When someone comes into your office, it is always the third thing."
It is not the first thing. It is not the second thing. It is the third thing.
Here's the scenario. Someone is lurking outside your door. They want to speak to you. You put down whatever you are doing and invite them in. You wait. They ask you about your weekend. They ask a question about a project. You know they know the answer to the question. You answer it. They say the "third thing". If you are listening, it is the thing that matters. It is the reason they wanted to see you.
Often what happens after the "third thing" is nothing. You miss it and wonder what the heck they wanted anyway.
Why do you miss it? You mind is wandering because they don't seem to have anything important to say. You are busy and have work to do. They often express the "third thing" really softly. It will be floated out. It won't be direct. It will be difficult to notice.
Here's what should happen.
Stop. Notice it is really why they came to your office. Ask lots of questions about the "third thing." Engage in a real problem solving conversation about the "third thing."
Why does this happen?
First, it doesn't always. Some people are very direct and will come in and tell you what they want. It could also be the second or fourth thing but it won't be the first for many people.
Why? If it really matters to them, it is usually hard to say. They may be afraid of your reaction. They see you as the boss and may be unsure if they can ask for what they really want. They are not totally sure of the problem. How can they be unsure of their own problem? They sense something is bothering them but to truly be clear they need to express the problem out loud, dicuss it with someone, examine it, hear another opinion.
The "third thing" is a simple coaching concept. If you use it, you will without a doubt retain and develop your staff better than if you let the "third thing" slide by.
Feedback is merely information. Without it, you are in the dark. Few people are good at receiving it. Few people are good at giving it. Both are skills that can be developed.
How well do you receive feedback?
Senior people can be intimidating either due to position or personal style. I often ask my clients, "How easy is it to give you feedback?" For many senior people the answer is "not easy". See what Seth Grodin says about coachability.http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2007/06/coachable.html
What If You Don't Like the Feedback? I've got news for you. Nobody likes feedback! (Especially the negative stuff).
Think of feedback is a gift. Like any gift you first say thank-you and then you decide what you will do with that gift.
Examine the feedback. Ask 2 questions.
Do you care? (maybe this feedback isn't important for your personal objectives). Just because someone doesn't like something you are doing doesn't automatically mean that that thing is important.
Do you agree? Maybe you care but you don't think the feedback is accurate. Test it. Ask for validation from a few others you trust. Make sure you are not being defensive. Finally, if you want to, act upon the feedback.
Now, I want to focus on the other side -- how do you give good feedback?
I seem to be talking to a lot of my clients about giving good information (in the form of feedback) lately. Good information in my mind is offered in a non-judgmental, factual, clear and caring way .
If you do it well, you will offer it openly and without the need to convince. You are not selling your position, you are offering information. You might be wrong and you should be open to that before you offer your feedback. If you do it well, people will often thank-you.
Far too often, organizations expect experienced managers and others to mentor without preparing them for the role. Many mentors, perhaps including yourself, aren't quite sure they're on track. Here are some basics to review to see if your thinking and actions are similar to valuable practices discovered by others.
