Dealing with Office Bullies
Feel like you’re back in your elementary schoolyard, being pushed and taunted by the school bully? But really, you’re in your office and the person making your work life miserable is a co-worker or boss. That person appears to be advancing his or her position at your expense. Perhaps they engage in behavior that is unnecessarily rude, aggressive and even debilitating to you. Some of these behaviors might be: screaming at you in front of people; repeatedly ignoring or rudely dismissing your ideas; badmouthing you to others; deliberately ignoring you or putting you out of the loop; being consistently judgmental, indiscreet and untimely; or blaming you for issues and problems.
Just like that school-yard bully, an office bully is someone who offloads their anger and fear on a selected victim in an attempt to maintain or gain control and push forward their self-interest. And many people find that the harder they work, or the more they display a strong sense of ethics and try to “do the right thing”, the more they are targeted by the bully.
Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for a workplace bully to be rewarded for aggressive behavior. Some people might call him/her the person who tells-it-like-it-is, or the person who cuts to the heart of the matter, and this praise makes it harder for you to stand up to the bully or even do something about the situation. But you should do something…here are a few tips:
- Park your emotion. This is not about you. It is about the other person. The more you let that person get to you, the more power they will have over you. This is the most difficult and most important tip. Take a deep breath and visualize pushing the emotion you are feeling out of your body.
- Don’t react. If you have truly parked your emotion, you should be able to ignore the bad behavior. Like your mother always told you, “If you don’t react, they will get bored and go and bully someone else.”
- Avoid confrontation where possible. When you can, work over email or voicemail with this person. If you don’t need them in a meeting, don’t invite them. For heaven’s sake, don’t go to lunch with them!
- Bring a buddy. It is tougher to gang up on two people. If the bully still behaves badly, you will have a witness.
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Stand up for yourself. You’ll notice that we put this last. We think it is better to diffuse a bully than to fight with one. If you are forced to defend yourself:
- Be factual. Keep your message simple. “I completed the project on time and on budget.”
- Don’t justify your position. It reduces your power and draws you into the argument.
- Be prepared to repeat your message. You may have to repeat it several times in order to be heard.
- Be prepared to walk away. Keep your interaction with the bully short and focused.
- Don’t bully back. Don’t yell or engage in personal attacks. Stay professional.
There are many helpful web resources on how to deal with bullies. Many of these are aimed at school-aged kids, but the advice shared translates well to the workplace. Check out http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/bullies.html for more info on bullying.
