Sometimes Giving Feedback Causes Sleepless Nights
Some of my most difficult nights have been caused by thinking about tough feedback I need to deliver to someone. I worry about how to say it. I worry about if I am right. I worry about their reaction. I get angry. I don't sleep. You would think that given that I am a coach, feedback would always be easy for me. Sometimes it is easier than other times. So I got thinking this morning (after one of those sleepless nights) why is it sometimes so difficult? Here's what I came up with.
The main reason it is sometimes difficult is that I have not let go of the emotion around it. I am angry that I have not been listened to "again". I am frustrated that the person "should know better" or "care more". I am hurt (yes hurt!) that they don't care more about what I go through each day. As you read this you are saying to yourself "but that is all about you." My answer? Exactly! The more I think about me, the worse I am at delivering feedback.
The second reason is that I haven't delivered enough feedback to thisperson. People who get feedback from me all the time (my assistant, our coaches, our clients) are used it. I'm used to it. We have a pattern of two way feedback built into our relationship. There is no "big bang" conversation. There are no sleepless nights. Each piece of feedback is discussed, examined by both parties and either accepted or rejected. Trust builds and the relationship deepens. When there is no pattern of feedback, delivering feedback becomes more difficult. It is hard to start in the middle of a relationship. Think of this as similar to that acquaintance you keep meeting at your son's hockey game. You don't know their name. If you ask their name now after you have spoken to them 7 times it will be awkward so you don't do it. Feedback is similar, if you establish a pattern it is easy. To start feedback after six months of frustration is difficult for both parties. You are more likely not to start.
After all this reflection, here's my advice to myself (and you if you've had any sleepless nights).
- Start two way feedback(from you to them, from them to you) in the first week of a working relationship. Give both positive and constructive feedback and give it often. Create a comfortable rhythm.
- Take yourself out of all feedback. Don't personalize it. Offer it as information that you have observed. Be open to other opinions on that information. Be prepared to have your mind changed. The feedback discussion should empower both you and/or the other person to do something differently.
Filed under:
coaching,
feedback
Sandra Oliver - February 09, 2009
